Men, dating and manipulation

DeenaPicMaybe I am a cynic in realists clothing or maybe I’m a realist in a cynics clothing. Either way, does it matter?

Me: 38, almost 39. Single but have a best friend and not in the singles market.

90% of Men: Have an angle to work. Thinks tricks and “lines” are somewhat believable.

See, I’ve been single more time than I’ve been in relationships. I have met and talked with a LOT of men. About 5% to 10% are just real and genuine. The other 90 – 95% don’t have a clue about women and somehow seem to think that we’re some enigma and that they have “moves” to make or whatever, whomever has the best moves, wins the girl because after all, we don’t actually think for ourselves (Sarcasm). It’s all about how good the moves are, right? Wrong. I call them “angles”. Without a doubt, angles are insincere. I can spot an angle from 50 million miles. I’ll go over some below that I personally have experienced and also some info about those “angles” and how men often employ them. I certainly have plenty of examples and material to pull from but will only include a handful of the most common. These are not in any particular order of relevance or usage. Just as they occurred to me while writing this blog.

The nice sensitive guy angle: You: shopping or at a bar or some other place you frequent, minding your own business. Him: genuinely interested in what you’re doing. Understands and finds it such a coincidence that there is another person who shares those interests! Listens intently and provides wide and varying examples of how great he is in that regard. You’re impressed maybe even a little awestruck. “Are there really men like that?” you ask yourself. This angle really has a high success rate but remember about 90% just want to bump uglies and will tell you whatever they think will work best. The other 10%….. well hopefully you’re really lucky and he truly is a nice sensitive guy. That typically doesn’t happen in life until age 40 or older and by then, they aren’t out talking with women they don’t know because somebody already scooped him up.

The Guilt angle: Whether in a relationship or not, most of us women are familiar with that ploy. To many examples to note here. It typically involves them saying things along the lines of “But I thought you believed I was different and special” as if you just totally dis’d them, in an attempt to illicit from you, “Oh but you are special, so sorry! I didn’t mean to offend” and to appeal to your sympathetic nature. To get you to go back on whatever it was you did or said. I talked online with a gent who I had a great conversation with. When asked if I’d have had that conversation about these topics with others online, I answered, “Yes, I would”. He was pretendedly miffed and thought he should be special somehow. As if I was going to just say “Oh no no no wait wait…. You ARE special, of COURSE I wouldn’t talk with anyone else like that…. Poor  baby…” NOT. Or…. Ut oh, she’s slipping, I’m losing her, I gotta pull out the big guns and that big gun is guilt, for which many, many women fall for way to often. As if you’ve done him some injustice by having a mind and thinking for yourself and perhaps not putting him on a pedestal. Men often rely on the fact that many women are needy for relationships and will play along just to keep it.

The bait and switch:  Lies about who they are and then often at some point there is what I call “The big reveal” when they show themselves for what and who they really are. Insulting! The “Big reveal” almost deserves a blog of it’s own… Lies about lifestyle, lies about possessions and accomplishments, lies about goals, wants and hobbies. Most men seem to think that if they can just loop you in for a little while, then they can somehow “get you”. After all, they had the best “moves” right? That’s all that matters…… As if you’re not going to notice the crummy dirty laundry piles and sink full of dirty dishes and papers all over… after they told you they were a neatnick. Online they put up pictures of themselves 10 years earlier, thinner, more hair or whatever and think that once you’ve agreed to meet them or just get to know them, none of that will matter because they will have got you so hooked by then, none of that will matter! and you both can ride off into the sunset together in his Ford Pinto with a few laundry baskets in the hatchback with the smell of old beans wafting through the air vents. Nice! You dont have to be rich or perfect, just honest!

The leading questions/comments angle:  Men often will lead the conversation toward sexual topics. Subtly and sometimes not so subtly. “So, ya planning on getting some tonight? LOL.” If I was, I probably wouldn’t tell you about it. I one had a gent who just “Wanted my opinion” on the size of his junk. Honestly, and I told him this, if you have a nice package, you already know you do. You just want to send me a picture of your junk. He ultimately agreed when I called him on it. I’m not interested. Sorry. If I wanted to look at your junk, I’d ask. Then talking about “sexuality” today. Ultimately he wanted me to tell him what I get up to in the bedroom of which I had no intention. If I’m looking for that type of dialog, I know where to find it. Don’t approach out of the blue and try to loop me into it before I’ve realized it. Or subtly bringing up topics of sexual or sensual connotations. Talking about how they like things which is often inclusive of bait and switch. They might say they like to massage a woman’s feet and work their way up or whatnot but what they really are is a 2 pump chump. Who are they trying to convince? If they were as hot and wonderful as they say, they likely wouldn’t be out trying to hook up and would already have women banging down their door to “get some”.

The attempt to illicit compliments angle: This is for the insecure man. Now lots of us have insecurities but….this typically involves usage of the guilt angle as well. The “What I’m not special?” that sort of thing…. We’ve all been there and often, we women employ this tactic to no end as well. “Do these make my butt look big?” that sort of thing. Get over yourself and stop fishing for compliments. Not only do women know if we have a big ass or not, but men also know the real deal too.

The rich and powerful angle: These guys are just braggarts and often this also includes some form of bait and switch as well. I’ll spare examples of how this happens. We’ve all heard it before. Big talk about the office or what have you and often it’s just exaggeration. If they truly felt rich and powerful, they wouldn’t need to brag about it so much and probably wouldn’t be out frequenting wherever they are. Real rich and powerful men hang with others of like mind and have no need to brag. Who are they trying to convince here…. You or themselves? Often both.

The pity me angle: This is by far, in my opinion, one of those most pathetic. “Oh I’m not getting any at home” or the “My wife/girlfriend is so mean/doesn’t understand me/appreciate me” yada yada. What he wants you to say is “Oh you poor baby, come home with me and I’ll take care of you!” We’ve all heard that line and frankly, if you fall for that line of crap, you’re an idiot. Maybe his wife or girlfriend is overbearing or whatever so his way of redeeming himself as a real man is not to set things right with his partner and in his personal life, but to sneak around and lie and cheat. Yeah, that’s a real man for ya. A real keeper!

The “I can’t live without you angle” This is manipulation on a grand scale. Your happiness is NOT anyone elses responsibility! It is yours! Plain and simple.

Now lets examine the percentages. You have roughly 10% of the male population who does not work angles and is truly just a decent guy. Of that 10%, even fewer are single. Lets just say for the sake of argument, about half. Now we’re talking about 5%. Of that 5%, how many of those do you suppose are your type. Lets again, just say about half of those that remain. Half of the 5%. Now, of that that miniscule persentage, how many of those also will find YOU to be THEIR type? Probably about half or less of the miniscule percentage left. That leaves us with about less than 1% of the male population. Unless you want to expand your horizons to include liars, manipulators and bullshiters, do youself a favor, get right with yourself as a woman and don’t get your sense of self worth from anyone other than you. Being in a relationship and having somebody who wants you, doesn’t make you a worthwile person. Find yourself a nice male friend, leave it at that for now and if that man from the less than 1% happens along, then great. If not, you have a great friend and know you’re a decent woman.

In closing, this by no means is an all inclusive list and if you’re a woman and you have other “angles” you’ve experienced from men, please feel free to comment and share! To me, especially whether online or otherwise, men try to sell you on they want to be, wish they were, etc and NOT who they “actually are”. I can’t stand that! If you’re a man reading this, feel free to post about angles you’ve experienced from women. Lord knows we have them too and strong is the woman or man, who can avoid the pitfalls of manipulation, which all angles are, and other weak dating practices.


~ by Deena Kay on 11/14/2009.

7 Responses to “Men, dating and manipulation”

  1. OMG….I think i’ve met them all too, great job. Keep it up, it takes alot to keep this blog going, been working on it for a while but so far I like what you have…excellent job.

    Men, well I will leave that subject to you. It’s a great subject and you should focus on that. I for one am more self healing and with the new book coming out, I have been concentrating on that.

    I wish you luck and will add you to my fav in web.
    I have twitter as well if you are interested send me an invite.
    Tweeter: essenceofnone

    have a great day Cathy xo

    • Thanks! I’m glad ya liked it. I really enjoy writing! Plus, I also like to just hear myself talk/type of what have ya! LOL I don’t have a twitter yet but I probably will sometime soon! 🙂

      Thank you again for your kind words and I’ll keep up with your blogs! (Smiles)

  2. i liked it but i make it clear to all men put a ring on it then you can have all you want. Im single still trying to find a man who is simple and easy.


  3. Hi Deena,
    I saw one of your comments on another blog and decided to visit. I’d like you to know that we canine ladies see the same “dogish” patterns in male dogs. It seems to come with the gender. I told my human about your blog and HE read it and agreed with you. He’s 10 days older than dirt and past the games. In fact he wrote a novel about one of your manipulating typrs (the guilter) and is working on another. He made a couple comments I’ll pass along. “She did a good job of covering the field of slimus malenosa. The only one she missed was the ‘I’m so cool and popular you should fall at my feet’ guy. – Her percentages will vary significantly as to where she’s applying the gage. The bigger the city the lower the percent of legit guys. 10 is high there, way low at Hayseed Corners. Sorry, the bigger the city the higher the ratio of rectal apertures, NYC is the asshole capital of the world. – Our modern media glamorizes the behavior and MAKES IT THE NORM in many cases. Think of the characters on “Friends” for instance. The true member of that 5-10 you speak of is often looked at as a smuck. – There’s a very healthy population of slimus femalelosa as well. They manipulate differently (well maybe not so much so, but they do) and they’re a little more difficult to detect. (He believes women are a little more clever than men – average to average) Anyhow I liked your blog. Visit me sometime.

    • Hmmmm VERY interesting indeed! Well, perhaps you could pass on to your human, that I would certainly be interested in reading that when it’s finished! I LOVE reading and writing about people. I’m going to write as well as stereotypes… that’ll be a long write!

      I didn’t think abour pooch’s having similar traits. Maybe some of it comes from survival instinct?

      I agree, we females can be a wretched bunch sometimes too. I honestly have very few female friends as a result. I’m working on bringing more females into my circle of friends. The few I have I know I trust and aren’t creeps. 🙂

  4. Deena – I, too, came to visit you from a friend’s blog. I will be back! You so have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Keep looking, though, as eventually – hopefully – we all find what we are looking for in the genuine guy!

  5. I don’t know if you’re a cynic or a realist or both, or if being a realist is deemed by some to be cynical – but oh, you made me laugh! You’ve definitely captured the essence of the experience many of us have had. (None who discussed having been breastfed as part of their pickup process?)

    Well articulated. If only the percentage of “great guys” were a little higher than the 5 to 10%. They are out there! But they’re hiding in the bushes, or perhaps, with their kids, or maybe lurking somewhere, reading your blog!

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