Momalom Love Letter

•02/06/2010 • 4 Comments

A love letter inspired by Momalom’s challenge found here:


Dear Blog,

I am so grateful I found you! No matter what is going on in my world, there you are to hear me out when I need to tell you everything. There you are to show me I’m not alone and that there are many other’s just like me. Blog, you’ve helped me realize I’m normal. You’ve given me hope and you’ve given me something to look forward to when I get home and yet you never expect anything from me. If I’m overly busy for a week or so, you’ll still be there when my world calms down and I can come see you again and tell you about my days and things I’ve learned. You’ve always been a safe refuge. Anytime I’m lonely, frustrated, flustered or just plain upset, there you are to hear me out, listen to my every word and never judge me. No matter what, you’re always there for me!

Anytime I wonder "who am I?", there you are to reflect back to me all that I am through everything I’ve shared with you. You’ve helped me so much and never once have expected anything in return. No matter where I work, if I work, how much I have, where I live be it near or far or what I’ve done, there you are, always true and always available anytime I need, day or night. There is never a time when you’re to busy to listen. There is never a time that you’ll choose to keep company with somebody else instead of me. There is never a time that I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or rich enough. You accept me for better and for worse.

You’re a great companion and never mess up my house, eat all my food, drink all my wine, spend all my money or use all the hot water. You never complain about my leftovers being in the fridge for to long or that my meatloaf is bland and my drinks are to weak. It doesn’t matter to you if I have a messy house or don’t feel like doing laundry. I can be comfy around you, in my pajamas if I want and with uncombed hair.

Blog, you accept me for who I am, what I do and have been more to me than most real life companions. It’s a sad day in our world when human companionship can’t hold a candle to a blog but alas, here we are and it is in fact that day in my life. My dear blog, this is why I love you.

Love, Deena


80s to now, cont.

•02/03/2010 • 10 Comments

I just could not let this subject go for some reason. I am still fascinated at the difference 20 some odd years makes with regard to a music genre as well as a fashion style and lifestyle AND the things that will never change that are present in both. I woke up still thinking about it with blurbs running through my head so that’s what this one is. An “add on” to yesterdays blog about 80s punkers compared to today’s scene kids. I don’t like the word “scenesters” even though that’s what urban dictionary called them. I’m going do call them scene kids/guys/gals. It’s easier to say. I’m defying the diction.. does that make me a rebel? No……

Ok, I perused through and was absolutely flashed back to the 80’s. It made me remember what it felt like to be hanging out at shows, being downtown and walking around late at night. We weren’t afraid of SHIT! We did what we wanted, when we wanted. Even though I wasn’t a “real” punker, I still enjoyed the freedom and the lacking shackles that life even now has and I’m learning to shed those too, at nearly 40. On that I do want to say that even though I wasn’t a “real” punker, I was “real” to myself. I was 14 or 15 at that time and I went through a lot of phases as I’m sure many others did, including some of today’s scene kids do as well. Today’s scene kids are in no way representative of what hardcore people were like in the 80s. Not by a long shot. I was a rocker chick as well as even a cheerleader once in my younger years. Believe me, I sampled all the various lifestyles a teen girl has to choose from and ultimately chose what worked best for me. I’m not sure how I’d be defined by the people I’m now talking about. Maybe they’d say I was just a “fake ass bitch who doesn’t understand shit” or maybe they’d look back through my eyes and laugh at how it was all perceived by a non-real, hardcore young girl who is now approaching 40.  Who really knows. Maybe they’d say the same thing I do now. Kids are entitled to sample lifestyles. It’s part of growing up and figuring out where they fit in, in life. It’s just another experience for them, but in the end, a person will ultimately do what feels best, whatever style they happen to be.

Side by side, smaller details

Music. I haven’t sampled all there is to be sampled of course but it would appear that today’s scene music is wide and varied as it was in the 80s. Some scene kids appear to listen to what has been dubbed “screamo”. Some scene bands are not like that all and are more mainstream, stuff that gets played on the radio. In the 80s bands like the punk/hardcore standard, Black Flag never ended up on a top 40 radio station being listened to by teens and tweens finishing their homework and housewives making dinner for the family.

Home life. In the 80’s, it was tough. Those kids I was hanging out with, most didn’t live in middle and upper class homes with a nice bed and down comforter to cozy into at night, with teddy bears and laptops. Many scene kids seem spoiled and poser-ish in contrast. They have myspace pages, iPhones and laptops. Many spend more time focusing on documenting their fashion accomplishments, than actually living the life. Most times, there was no Mom and Dad buying expensive make up damnit, we stole our cheap shit from the k-mart or the mall! 😉

Make up. Lots of things different there but also a lot the same. Both guys and gals often wore make up. For gals the make up really hasn’t changed much. Just the quality of the lipstick and liner. For guys, scene guys are pretty and seem to border on metrosexual (I hate that word). They’re soft and pretty unlike in the 80’s where the guys were tough, bad ass and didn’t care what anyone thought. In the 80s, guy make up was more akin to sunscreen on a football player – a thick black line under the eye as opposed to nowadays where scene guys’ eyes look like women’s. They wear foundation and lipstick. They even often wear similar cloths to the scene gals.

Clothing. Scene kids incorporate a lot of cutesy in both guys and gals. Pink skulls and crossbones, anime, lots of black and some bright colors as well. It would still be considered by today’s standards to be different. Likewise in the 80s. That’s one thing that is the same. However, in the 80s, as I said yesterday, there was nothing cutesy about their fashion sense. Make up was sloppy, often intentionally to show we didn’t give a shit, clothing were torn and ripped and there was often a lot of metal. Spikes and things attached to leather items. Where scene kids use cutesy and bright colors an 80s punker would use something that could do you serious bodily harm which included the often rigid to almost super glue strength spikes of their mohawks. Even their hair could put an eye out in the mosh pit!

Hair. There are just so many different hair styles to think about. What’s the same is that it’s different and attention getting both then and now. Then and now many of each generation spent a LOT of time on their hair. Although in the 80s it was done when needed for shows and whatnot and not always every day. Scene kids, well it’s an every day thing since there are cameras everywhere and they would not be caught dead without it. Plus with their obsession over documenting themselves… everywhere is a photo op. They bring new meaning to the word “Poser”. Today’s scene gals would probably not even dare to enter a mosh pit for fear of mussing the hair they just spent 3 hours doing. The 80s punker gals, the hair wasn’t as important and they would go, be one to be reckoned with in the pit, hair and all.

Slamming, moshing, etc. It really has not changed at all. It’s pretty much exactly the same as near as I can tell. The only difference is that girls in the 80s did it and scene girls rarely if ever do. Also the name and really I think the term moshing pretty much took over in the 90s. I could be wrong on that. I suppose it depends on your crowd and what seems popular. I have not heard the term “slam dancing” probably since the 80s. My son who is not a scene kid laughed when I said “slam dance”. He laughed loud and hard. He does know what “moshing” is. Both today and in the 80’s mosh pits can get out of control and result in occasional fighting and injury. If a scene gal happened to be there when I fight broke out, she’s probably run where an 80s hardcore girl would stick it out to the end and get in as many hits as she could, take a beatin’ and walk away without regret.

Fighting and violence. For the gals, an 80s punker would no doubt, break your nose, draw blood and kick your ass for an offense deemed worthy. They’re pretty thick skinned as well. Same thing with the 80s guys. A scene kid of today, well, she might throw a rock, kick you in the shin or pull your hair but only “if u like totally stole her sexxy, xhardXcorex boyXfriend” or something. The guys, I’m going side with the 80s guys here. Todays scene guys….. I just dont see them being tough or any derivative of although I’m sure exceptions exist somewhere. Both guys and gals, they aren’t fighters, they might smear their lipstick or muss up their hair. Plus many of them are to skinny to be strong enough to even pick up that rock to throw in the first place. Sorry for the ‘dis scene kids. I’ve seen you and trust me, many of you need to eat a sandwich. Which brings me to:

Diet. Of course I can’t state this as fact without anyone’s medical records but… In the 80’s we had punkers of all shapes and sizes but today’s scene kids, well most are super skinny and many are said to have eating disorders in both the guys and gals. Of course this is “Said to be true mostly on the internet” with no real proof of that. However I can see with my own eyes many of them are underweight whether they have an eating disorder or not. In the 80s if a punker was skinny it was likely due to simply not having enough food to eat rather than self imposed starvation. Scene kids of today just choose to not eat. I read somewhere and I can’t quote this as fact so it goes in here merely as rumor, but that about 75% of males with eating disorders are emo or scene guys although my personal opinion is that 75% is a pretty high number. That is NOT saying 75% of scene guys/emo’s have eating disorders. It’s saying that, by rumor, 75% of ALL, including non scene guys with eating disorders are scene or emo. Given the number of males with eating disorders is purported to be very low, it’s really not all that much of a dis on you scene guys that are actually out there.

Language skills and education. On this I have to side with the scene kids for now although as the 80’s people went, it all came with age and maturity. The majority of scene kids appear to come from middle and upper class families and those types of households typically have reasonably decent parents. In the 80’s the kids I hung out with, this wasn’t the case more often than not. Many of the 80s kids that I spent time with were high school drop outs, run aways from bad home life situations, didn’t have jobs, some had drug problems, etc. Today’s scene kids, many of them go home at night, eat dinner, get up and go to school. They are getting an education beyond what many 80s punks got. Of course there are exceptions to everything which is why I say “many” and “most” and not all.

Emotionally. Well in the 80s the overall emotional feel, at least when I was around it all, I’d say would be angry. Angry youth, angry teens both male and female. For today’s scene gals, they just seem to have, as reported by the internet and my own observations of the comments they make, uppety attitudes and that they think they’re somehow better. I have no idea what they really think but they’re brats in appearance. Maybe I’ll try to find one to interview. The scene guys seem to be closely associated with “emo” and are generally thought of as sad rather than angry. Again, softer…

The later years. I can’t speak for scene kids as they’ve yet to grow up and become of 40 somethings. As for the 80s kids I spent some time with, well I found some of them through online social networking. We didn’t have it in the 80s but it’s here now and we’re using it although not nearly to the level of scene kids. As 80s punks grew up, some outgrew it and some morphed into their own unique styles but yet still original and true to the way they were in the 80s. They are not aging scenesters nor are they throwbacks from the 80s, much to the contrary. They are still who they were, although evolved through time, maturity and experience.

Id like to feature a few people. Angela and Rebecca Maynard and Tommy Niemeyer. The real deal, then AND now. I knew the ladies from school and briefly was involved with Tommy in my early teens. They still live life according to their own terms and live lives that many people either envy or think is different. As for those who envy, they often also become haters. I think, Good for them! Live your lives and enjoy the hell out of it. You only live once. You can either live it happy on your own terms or unhappy on everyone else’s. I’m happy to see they chose to live life happy! That’s something that should be appreciated because many people are just to afraid to do so.

(Note for featured) The idea is to show that people who have, what people like me, often consider alternative lifestyles, are not living lives according to the stereotypical impressions most of us have. Many people my age and who live my lifestyle would think derogatory things about drugs, alcohol, stuff like that. Clearly that isn’t true. That is the light I would like to shed on it all.

Here they are:

Angela now at age 40: Angela Maynard  Angela Now Angela I do not know if she’s married or not but appears to have stayed with her high school-ish sweetheart. Is involved in Roller Derby and is one resilient individual who does her part in life just as much as you or I. She works, pays her taxes, loves her family, so on. She also stayed true to who she was/is at heart and that is to be admired.

Rebecca now at age 40:  Rebecca  Rebecca Maynard From her myspace page she appears to have gotten married, participates in Roller Derby and not unlike her twin sister above, loves her family, works and also like the rest of us does her part, pays her taxes and is a contributing member of society who also stayed true to herself.

Tommy now at age 40-ish: Tommy Tommy2 What to say about Tommy. I read an interview he did and really have to admire his dedication. He too works a day job, pays his taxes, is a contributing member of society while also maintaining his integrity as a hardcore individual and musician and stayed true to himself as well.

To all of them above, Good for you! From Ms. Middle class, suburban mom, I applaud you! It wasn’t for me but was a lot of fun and an experience I’ll never forget.

On to the “scenesters”. Maybe they’re just newer and yet different versions of the unique and different individuals of the future. I’m sure like in the 80’s there are some for whom it was just a passing phase or fad and yet others who may be so deeply into it that it’s truly a reflection of who they are at heart. Who the hell am I to judge?

This scene girl at age, maybe 13: SceneGirl  Well, time will tell. Maybe we’ll be able to check back in 20+ years and see what she’s up to. Although I have to give proper credit where it’s due, it takes a lot of dedication to maintain hair like that. I wonder how much money her parents spent on that hair-do, how many hours she spends doing it and how many myspace photos she has posted of it? It is interesting to look at none-the-less. 🙂 I’m sure she hasn’t got any addictions or a criminal record of any kind although that’s purely supposition.

To give the scene guys due time, there’s this guy here probably age 16 or so: scene guy God only knows what he’ll be doing in 20 years. There is nothing even remotely tough or hardcore, at least the way I remember it, with a furry collar, checkered head band and robots on the to tight t-shirt. Interesting look though. I just dont see this as any subculture of the future.

And last but not least, here is the oddball. I’d guess 18 or 19 years old. black scene guy I stumbled upon this completely by accident. See, from the research I’ve done, people of african-american descent do NOT participate in “scene” stuff but yet here he is, defying them all with his scene hair, myspace pose in a photo op from who knows where. I bet he has hundreds on his myspace page. Well, good for him for doing what he’s told he ought not to and defying the norms of the “scene” peeps as well as others of his own.

At the end of the day, regardless of my personal views, what’s most important is that you live your life according to YOUR rules. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, I say the hell with it. Go for it and be happy! Whatever that may be!  Even though I think after a good long look at the 80s hardcore people compared to today’s scene/emo people and my resulting opinions, everyone, regardless of what year they’re doing it in and what genre they listen to and whatever their lifestyle choices, as long as nobody is harmed, to each his own and those who dare to be different and express themselves, should be admired. Those who just follow along in order to be accepted (sort of like I did) then they need a good long and perhaps hard learned lesson in what it means to be true to yourself. I’ve only in recent times discovered that. 🙂

80’s “Punkers” vs today’s “Scenesters”

•02/02/2010 • 4 Comments

Boy oh boy did I have a LOT going on in my nut all at once. It’s all sorted now and all is well on all fronts. 🙂 I’ll be relocating since I rent and my landlord told me they pretty much went broke and have asked me to move out because they now have to live here….. nice. I don’t plan to write about any of it with the exception of my friend. We’re all good now, albeit in a different way. 🙂 Friendship saved!

What brought me out of hiding today was that I was noticing an advertisement online for IMVU. Its a chat program with avatars that are, well, scenesters/emo’s. It put me onto to read a bit more about these “scenesters”.

It’s not such a foreign thing after all… turns out, I was an 80’s version of a scenester (Not Emo) in my teens for a short period of time when I was about 14 – 15. I even had a mohawk, not a wimpy fauxhawk of today mind you. I shaved off all my hair on the sides and dated a guitar player named Tommy in a punk rock band called The Accused for almost a year. I wasn’t a groupie damnit, I was a girlfriend! There’s a difference! LOL Although 25 years ago… it wasn’t called “Scene”. It was more punk and there were of course some differences that 25 years can account for. My phase lasted all of maybe a year or 2 before I grew out of it. My hair, well, it grew out too! 🙂 The only reason I did it was because of Tommy. I never felt any need to be nonconformist or to rebel against “The man” or anything. I just liked a guy and did what he did. Here is where you can sample some of the noise they created back in the 80’s that we called hardcore punk. There’s a play button at the bottom…  Here is a sample of what is being listened to today which has apparently been dubbed Screamo

I should say, I have not seen Tommy in probably 20 some odd years. I have no idea what he’s doing today but it appears he’s still in the hard core music industry at least as of 2006.

The differences, Then and Now

Cell 80s80s Car Phone.   NewPhone  Today’s cellular/computer

Technology.  In the 80’s we didn’t we didn’t even have cell phones yet because at that time only the really wealthy had them and they were the size of a cinder block and weren’t practical to carry around so they were called “car phones”. Today’s scenesters are apparently bordering on obsessive about taking pictures of themselves in weird poses. Hundreds of pictures and loading them onto Myspace. We didn’t have Myspace accounts or even internet. There was an internet service called “Prodigy” at the time and that was NOT something ordinary. Home computers? Almost nobody had them. The cameras current day scenesters use which is likely their iphones their parents bought them which is why I mentioned cell phones in the first place. We didn’t have squat but today’s phones with mini computers have it all in one small, pocket size item. Because we didn’t have them, we weren’t always able to capture ourselves in all our wondrous glory while at punk and other hard core shows, or scenes as they’re called today.

mosh-pit Slam dance VS Mosh. No different today than 25 yrs ago.

Slam Dance. Only the name has changed. There was always what we called a mosh pit. That’s where we’d all slam dance. That’s what we called it. Slam dancing. Where you basically slam into people and they slam into you. There was no dancing of any kind… I think it’s now called moshing since it’s done in said mosh pit. Many times there were injuries. We didn’t care. Well, I did but I wasn’t “Real”. I was just following along with Tommy. He was my first real love. I once saw a guy do a stage dive into the crowd and everyone moved and he hit the concrete floor. He was a jerk that nobody liked and hence, nobody caught him. He was seriously injured.

Tommy and Chewy Tommy in the 80s. SceneHair Some other guy today.

mohawk1 80’s mohawk style.

Hair. The blond in the top right pic above, yeah, that’s Tommy back in the 80’s and those would be his dreads there on his head. The pic appears to be copywrited but to who I cannot tell… this was when he was in The Accused and lived in the Splatter Pad. I’ll explain the splatter pad in a bit.  80’s hair was a lot different as we all know. Of course as I said, I had a real mohawk. No pics though because we lacked the technology or at least possession of it. LOL I rarely wore it spiked up because it was to long. We cut it on a dare at a drunken party and everyone freaked because my hair was always something everyone liked. A guy named Chuck did the honors. Tommy, pictured above, hadn’t combed or brushed his hair in years – as you can see. He had blonde dreads. Not hair. Dreads. Dread locks. Like Bob Marley dreads but blonde. Dreads are what you get when you don’t comb your hair. It gets matted, just like a cat or dogs when it isn’t combed. He isn’t a natural blonde either and he bleached it, dreads and all. One time, Tommy and I cut one of his dreads off and cut it open to see what was inside of it. Quite nasty really is the inside of a dreadlock.  Today’s “scenesters” seem to treat their hair much better albeit damaged to high hell from all the bleaching and dye jobs. They comb theirs even if they cut it all screwey! 

Condemned_House Splatter Pad look alike. Today’s hang outs, who knows.

The Scene. The original Splatter Pad of The Accused was condemned and leveled years ago so there are no pics. I did find this pic online of a similar house. Behind the walls of all that beauty lay drunken passed out people, total disarray, trash, you name it. It was all in there and it smelled vile. The Splatter Pad was brown though. It’s where 2 of the band lived with a couple others. Plus of course, whoever passed out there which on occasion was me. I think there were 4 people actually living there. The trash was rarely taken out and I remember once there were like 6 large hefty bags of garbage just laying on the kitchen floor spilling out and there were flies, drunken passed out bodies laying all over where people had partied and just crashed where they fell. The walls were covered in graffiti and posters. Old food, beer cans, booze bottles and cigarette butts everywhere and furniture that likely had been in a dumpster at some point. There was crud all over it along with rips, tears, burns and spills. There was also a lot of drug use going on.  Today’s version I seriously doubt would live in a house like that. They might party in one but we’re a lot more sophisticated today than we were in the 80s and MUCH cleaner because parents pay for it.

Fashion This is the sort of garb and hair we wore in the 80s. EDIT: Updated photo to link back to the website of where the pic came from by request of site owner. 🙂 Thanks again Punkstory for letting me use the image!

SceneGirl This is what they look like now.

Fashion/Hair. I’m sure the pic I found online is copywrited too. Probably to the folks named on the top. The other’s, they appear to be in the free public domain. Fashion wise, the differences were just that we wore things that were attention getting and at times intentionally offensive. Today’s scenesters seem to have a handful of essentials that they ALL have. White leather belt, pink skulls and crossbones, tight pants, same choppy haircuts with one eye covered, stuff like that. It’s hard sometimes to tell one from another. We didn’t think so at the time but it was pretty much the same with us, although I guess it all really depends on the who is looking. I’m sure scenesters dont think they look alike either. In the 80s guys and gals both wore make up, especially eye liner. 80’s guys didn’t wear foundation and lipstick though. Just a large strip of black eye liner. Both guys and gals in the 80’s wore a lot of leather, metal studs and spikes, ripped and torn clothing and combat boots with or without heals. I was hip on the ultra short leather miniskirt that nowadays is called a micro-mini. Of course they weren’t made that short then so I cut mine with scissors. There was NOTHING cutesy about an 80’s punk however as you can see pictured above, she has all sorts of cutesy / anime going on.

What do they do when they grow up? Some of my old friends are doing the same as they always did. Tommy as near as I can tell is still involved in the hard core music industry as many others of them are as well although the last time I saw Tommy, I think I was about 17 or so. Many I lost track of. Some died of overdose. One is involved heavily in roller derby with funky names and she still dresses the same. I saw her myspace page not long ago. Happily in her 40’s and happily living her life according to HER rules. Me, well, I was just following Tommy and doing what he did. I grew up, had kids, became a mom, got a job and live a normal, middle class life in a normal middle class suburb. 🙂 When today’s “Scenesters” grow up, I imagine their futures to be equally as varied. 🙂

Hodge Podge of politics, movies, marijuana, alcohol and friendship.

•01/21/2010 • 3 Comments

I’m discontinuing my pain medication. I tried to a few weeks ago and had side effects from stopping to abruptly. Apparently I need to “ween off”. Fair enough, I’m now weening and am down to half the amount I was taking a week ago. Next week will be half of that and then eventually, down to none. Hopefully, providing I can still walk reasonably well. My new and MUCH better Dr told me that the amount of pain medication I was on is a lot and that it metabolizes in the liver. I’ve had liver function testing done and never had any problems but as I age, why wait until there is? There is no more surgery I’m willing to have so I must deal with it until medical technology changes/improves. I guess that’s my lot in life for now with regard to that.

I want to give a friend of mine a second chance because we’ve been in a stalemate of stubbornness with friendship at stake for over a month. Although our friendship won’t ever be the way it was because I’m not okay that, it’s okay and also healthy for things to evolve. I messaged him today via text message for the first time in 5+ weeks too see how he was. He’s still hurting and not in a great way. We’ll see how that goes.

Next is a serious confession. Although I’m not alcoholic, I drink to much for my age. I drink a few times a week. I used to drink a couple glasses of wine every night until my Dr said “that’s to much for you”. Then it took the relaxing edge it once had, off and ruined it. I stopped but still a few times a week, like to have some wine. With dinner or whatever. Now that my memory is failing me as I enter pre-menopause and alcohol exacerbates it, I’d rather not deal with wondering if it was the glass of wine I had that made me forget or the hormones. I’ll live without my glass of wine. I’d rather not live without my memories.

I watched a film last night called “the vagina monologues”. I thought it would be thought provoking and interesting. It wasn’t, it was just sad in some parts and boring in others. There was a 70 year old woman who hadn’t visibly seen her vagina in 20 years. She’s cleaned it and all but never actually looked at it. Sorry about that. It just wasn’t that interesting. I expect that from elderly women. I was in geriatrics in a health care profession for a time so it’s not that surprising. Our values change as we age. As controversial as the film is/was, it just isn’t that great.

My house is a mess and I put off cleaning yesterday in exchange for some good downtime. I am happy I did although today I regret it because I had to deal with it today and now I have a new mess in the kitchen and lack the energy to clean it up. My son isn’t home and it isn’t his mess. It’s mine. I guess I only have enough energy to clean to kitchen once a day. Not twice a day or double the mess.

I found a blog today of a woman who is a larger size who deals with friends who inadvertently on occasion comment and a few rude who advertently comment on how much she eats and it made me think about a post I made with regard to my bulimia. I re-read that post and it also made me realize that my timelines are grossly off and I’ve lost track of how old I am. I feel like in the grand scheme of things between 0 and 40 that at 39, I more closely relate to age 40. I stopped counting the months and now feel like what decade it is, is more important.

Another confession is that I didn’t vote in the last election because I wasn’t legally able to due to not legally driving. But felons, hey way not?? Right?? NOT. In Florida to legally vote, you register when you get your drivers license. I wasn’t able to get mine and had some driving issues. I could have voted still with an ID card, but didn’t. I wont blame that in the law or Florida or anything else. Had I had my druthers, I would not have voted for Obama but not for the reasons everyone complains about him. At the time I just didn’t think that the US was ready for a black or woman president. Racist, sexist me. Unlike the Philippines or other countries where they are successful. I agreed we needed change but now have regret that I didn’t vote. I’m happy that Mass. voted in a R instead of D so there’s no filibuster with regard to the healthcare reform bill. I don’t need nor can I afford financial penalties for not having insurance. I agree that healthcare needs reform but not so sure his way is the best way. Go read at and you will learn a lot.  90% of his promises that are rated “in the works” relate to health care and little else. Its ONE things, not hundreds. Read it and you’ll see what I mean. There is also a bill he is trying to pass that would allow convicted felons a right to vote. What????? If you didn’t know that, pay attention! I regret that I didn’t pay more!    and

I’m incredibly pissed off that people in India now have my job and I’m on unemployment after having saved the company I worked for, 15 million+ in 3 years. Outsourcing/Exporting our jobs sucks. Here is what I think about that. I can assure you, when it comes time for me to be in need of the product they manufacture/produce, I’ll buy elsewhere.

I HATE that marijuana isn’t legal. If it was, I most assuredly would smoke it. It helps pain, dealing with pain and myriad other health concerns. People way over-react. It’s only illegal because there isn’t government control. There is potential for abuse of EVERYTHING WE DO. People take to many aspirins and it thins the blood, take to many NSAIDS and you risk liver damage. There is a LOT of propaganda with regard to pot use from both  sides of the argument. I’d rather make my own choices and go with something that grows naturally out of the earth than some pharmaceutically created, manufactured “pill” that most assuredly causes more side effect problems that the initial problem it’s intended to “fix”. Sometimes pills are needed but in the end, I believe that nature provides us with all we need as long as we don’t destroy it with our greed.

This is me, these are my beliefs in a “Hodge Podge” format.

Mental junk drawers and failing at filing, correctly

•01/20/2010 • 2 Comments

I’m a thinker, an analyzer, I spend to much time inside my head milling around and sorting out my mental boxes and filing cabinets. What to keep, what to throw away, looking for things I might have lost and occasionally finding things I definitely did. It’s an interesting place in there, no doubt. A big mental storehouse of events, memories, records of my life. USUALLY it’s all there albeit sometimes disorganized.

Memory, our ability to recall things is a fascinating thing to me. Memory, our ability to recall, is or at least in part, relies upon our ability to have an effective filing system that we understand. The process of remembering things is essentially, mental record keeping. Knowing where we put it so that when we need it, we know where it is. It’s typically associative. We have an event, a name, an emotion and it gets connected with something. That something, whatever it is, is something familiar and always known. The A-D drawer for example. It’s a known system. Those “cabinets” we file things in. When thought of in that light, it’s not surprising there could be some clerical errors of sorts with things misfiled. What’s going on in this head of mine when things get misfiled? I really don’t know.

What happens when I haven’t got something immediately familiar with which to associate some new piece of information…. I’m missing or need to create a new drawer. In the meantime, it gets tossed into my mental junk drawer and forgotten about. Not unlike that old gift card with 5 dollars left on it, that pair of kitchen scissors and thumb tacks, etc in our real life junk drawers. Things that don’t have their own place yet or have yet to be categorized and associated. That’s where they go, at least in my house/brain. When I can’t find something, I always go to my junk drawer and start rifling through it. Or, alternatively, I mis-associate / misfile it and it gets into the wrong drawer. Like when my toilet tissue for the bathroom mistakenly gets put with the paper towels in the kitchen. I wont find the TP until I get a new roll of paper towels. Oops, my bad. I hope that roll of TP lasts longer than the paper towel roll! My bad!

What makes me think about this is that I am nearing/in pre-menopause. I’ve had some memory lapses in the last handful of months at times it would normally be PMS, that sent me digging into my mental filing cabinets and junk drawers. I had a conversation one morning with a friend. A few hours later, he brought it up. I had no idea what the hell he talking about. I still don’t remember the conversation. I still can’t even find it in my junk drawer. I don’t know where I put it. It’s just gone. Poof. Just like that. I once told a friend of mine the same thing multiple times within a short time span – there was wine involved that time but not that much. I know I’m not losing my mind but it can feel like it. I also completely missed my son’s Appt last Wednesday and he’s been going to that for months. Every Wednesday. Last week though, I completely forgot. When they called, I didn’t answer because I didn’t recognize the name of the place that showed up on my caller ID. He’s been going for the last 6 months….every Wednesday. I should have remembered. The Caller ID name was familiar when I saw it but couldn’t place it. Of course later on in the day I certainly did which resulted in a face-palm. I walked into my bedroom and had no idea why I was in there. Did I just habitually walk into my bedroom or did I have some reason to be in there? I didn’t know. So I came back out and sat on the sofa. If it was something of any great importance it will be realized later. Hopefully. Maybe I was just looking for fingernail clippers or something.

These are a few of the things that have happened over the last 4 months or so. That’s why I’ve been digging around in my storehouse so much the last few weeks. I have to much stuff in mental junk drawers and really need to organize it or perhaps find a new filing system. Sometimes it isn’t that I’ve misfiled anything at all, it’s more that I’ve forgotten how the filing system worked. Was it Alphabetical? Chronological? Numerical? Categorical? Is that last one even a real word? Hell if I know. Sometimes I draw a complete blank when trying to finish a sentence because I can’t think of the word I was going to use. If it gets much worse, I’ll have to make a Appt with my Dr…… that is if I remember how forgetful I am and remember to schedule it. LOL 🙂

As I went to post this, I use Windows Live Writer for my blog. I keep my program icons on the right side of my desktop and documents and folders on the left. I couldn’t find my icon for Windows Live Writer. I created a new one and then found the original after a duplicate name error. Not so “oddly enough”, I put the first icon in the wrong spot on my desktop. Duh! I don’t know why I moved it in the first place. Misfile!


•01/17/2010 • 14 Comments

I’ve certainly had a lot on my mind of late. I read on Momalom’s blog this post:  and the comments left by their other wonderful readers.

It made me think. A lot.

Over my birthday back in mid December I had something wretched occur to me by virtue of a person I had considered my best friend and who I loved dearly and respected. For the sake of privacy, I’ll change the names. I’ve written about my friends before under the pseudonyms of Fred and Sam.

Fred was the perpetrator of said offense. I’ll spare you the details. It was ugly and hurtful. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month. However I do still have occasion to speak with Sam. Now, Sam is a wonderful, kind and generous man. He too, like Fred, is a very honest person who speaks his mind. Inadvertently though him I came to realize my part in the “offense” that took place.

That leads me to this:

Its truly interesting how, through the eyes and perceptions of our friends, we on occasion see a reflection of ourselves shown back to us that we didn’t know existed. I saw my reflection through Sam’s eyes and didn’t recognize her! Who is that awful woman? We talked about my behaviors, his opinions of me, things he had always thought, etc. He wasn’t telling me things with the intent to help me out or bring problems to light. He was just matter-of-factly stating things he had always thought through normal conversation. I had no idea! I can say I was certainly less than thrilled with the reflection I saw. I needed to see that. There are clearly weaknesses on my part that I need to address. I was clearly disturbed by his opines about me and apparently those are shared by a few others as well. He became aware that I was disturbed and in his words “it isn’t any big deal. Does what people think really matter? I couldn’t care less. I’ve known all sorts of different types of people”. That didn’t exactly put my mind at ease over it.

On that, I am also happy to report that Sam had only ever bore witness to a small sliver of my life. That small sliver is in no way “Who I am at my core”. As much as I adore Sam and his honesty and integrity, it begs the question, “why didn’t he realize that?” He is an incredibly intelligent individual. I acknowledge that when I have party buds and only see them when we’re out drinking or what have you, that isn’t who they are at their core, it’s just their party self. I acknowledge that people I had worked with, the faces they show there in the office isn’t a total reflection of who they are at their core either. So why is it that people who also only saw a small sliver of my life and personality would not acknowledge the same? Why would they assume that’s all there is to Deena?

We are all our own definition of normal and assume/take for granted, others are like we are. Only when we see something completely different and unique from us, do we gain the….. or more, logical knowledge that we’re not all wired the same. This to me, is one of those times.

That small sliver of my life and personality certainly needs some work and I’m quite happy to know about it but it really burdens my heart to know how little people actually thought of me in that small neck of the woods where they all are. That small neck of the woods was a place I had always felt comfortable and at home. Understood and appreciated for who I really am. That wasn’t the case. I never picked up on anything negative because frankly, they didn’t care. It didn’t matter to them. I really enjoyed and looked forward to being there. It can never be that like again and I feel like I’ve lost something although logically I know I apparently never had it. I never cared what people thought of me until I found out that what they thought was very negative and in actuality, is in very sharp contrast to who I truly am “at my core”. I’m a diverse individual indeed with a wide base of interests and activities. That one small sliver is but one of probably hundreds of slivers that make up the entirety of ME.

Lessons to be learned from this, if I am to share from my own experiences is that whether you care what other people think or not, if they’re important in your life, pay attention to what your behavior indicates. Some people’s opinions matter and others do not. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to care what some people think of you and not care about what yet other people think. How to define who is who and what group they fall into I suppose would be determined by how important they are to you. I was always one of those people who, regardless of who they were, I didn’t care because I am a kind and decent person. How could they possibly derive a bad opinion of me? But, I also learned that our behavior at times, when taken out of the context of the rest of our life, can create a very misleading impression. If those impressions are had by those who are important in your life, it can certainly effect you in a negative way.

Also, I learned the importance of having decent, honest people in my life and as inadvertent as this all was on Sam’s part I read this blog here :   #65. This was Sam. He was that messenger, inadvertent as it was.


PS. this blog is my literary sliver! 🙂

What’s in YOUR handbag?

•01/15/2010 • 7 Comments


A (hopefully) humorous peruse through my handbag as inspired by Jassnights post “What’s in your wallet?” featured here:

This is “The Beast”0115164349

I placed the beast on the table and gave it couple of glamour shots for good measure. It is indeed a beast, albeit an attractive one. Picked it up at TJ Maxx. Lots of pockets for proper organization and less digging in the abyss, ample storage, extra long zipper up both sides and across the top so when I just can’t seem to find what I’m looking for, I can lay it all open and find said item which may be hiding in the beast’s darker recesses. Yeah, occasionally I’ll put an item in the wrong place in there and when I go to look for it, I’ll be damned! I can’t find the damn thing!

0115164202At first glance I see my pill bottle of pain relievers, a bunch of lip gloss, Wisp teeth cleaners on the opposite side and in the middle is my checkbook/wallet. I don’t actually own a proper wallet. Boring right? But in the good words of good ole’ Billy Mays (RIP), BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! …..Lets dig a lil’ deeper shall we?


The first side that has it’s own set of sub-pockets, the left one as seen in the top down glamour shot above is reserved for my cell phone but it isn’t in there because I’m using it to take said glamour shots and the other has the following items: 2 sets of tweezers, Pink shiny lip gloss, Burt’s Bees lip balm, Black liquid eye liner, Colossal Mascara, Brown eye shadow, a blusher brush and some ultra cheapo under eye concealer. 

In the deeper recesses of that same first side (not the inside, sub pockets) there are the following items: Pill bottle of RX pain pills (I got me a bum foot), Jelly Belly Blueberry 0115170550Muffin room deodorizer, Strawberries and Champagne body spray in travel size, Japanese Blossom hand and body wash in travel size, travel size toothpaste, a roll of white paper  tape, Green eye shadow, Dream matte mouse foundation for my face (for when I feel ugly), White under eye liner (for the water line, it makes your eyes look bigger), Purple eye liner, more black liquid eye liner in felt tip form, more mascara but waterproof this time, a big ole’ tub of Burt’s Bees hand salve and .36 cents in spare change – A quarter, a dime and 1 penny. The change fell into the wrong pocket.

In the center pocket which is where I mainly store checkbook and wallet type items there are the following: Couple bucks worth of spare change, 52 dollars cash, 2-20’s, 2-01151715475’s and 2-1’s of which my 16 year old son, #2, will see to it that the amount significantly diminishes over the week end, 3 extra books of stamps – I’m always afraid I’m going to run out so I buy extras, Drivers license, SS card (its the only place I wont lose it) and debit card, a business card of a friend of mine, Holister gift card I bought my son that he didn’t want, my checkbook of course, Insurance card and of course a tube of lipstick which had mistakenly been placed in that pocket. 🙂 It belongs with it’s friends in the right hand sub-pocket of the first inner pocket. There’s a science to this shit. Trust me.

Then in the last inner pocket I didn’t have much except: a handful of BC aspirin powders held together with a hair band to prevent them from spilling/leaking plus I can use the 0115172224hair band for my hair in a pinch if I need it and use  the paper tape to keep my BC powders from leaking, an almost spent tab of water pills, Orbit chewing gum, Tic Tac  brand extra large cherry breath mints and Colgate Wisps for my teeth. They have a tooth pick type thing on one end and a toothbrush type thing on the other with a minty ball in the center. They’re perfect if you eat lunch and haven’t got a place to brush your teeth. Nobody wants to smell hot dog breath. Then I also have a Sandisk memory card. How’d that get in there? That belongs elsewhere too. It has a pocket of it’s own with others of it’s kind. 🙂 Then there’s the eye drops. I don’t like red-eye.

The last inner pocket also has a zippered sub-pocket of its own as well. In there is: 0115172822Another memory card (this is where the first one also belongs), a spare key to my car (I’m bad about locking my keys in) memory container for my phone’s memory card, spare key for my bedroom door and a medium binder clip, I can’t tell ya how often I’ve been happy I had that dang ole’ binder clip. You never know when you need to hold 2 things together on the fly. LOL Like when ya pop a button on your britches and need a quick fix.

OMG I’m almost done. The beast also has 2 exterior pockets. One has no zipper so I don’t use that one because my stuff will fall out. On the opposite side there is one that does have a zipper so stuff stays put. I’ll spare the picture but what I have in there are feminine items in case Aunt flo decides to pop in unannounced… ya know… it’s a girl thing. 🙂

I’ve never taken such an inventory of my handbag. Interesting even to me is that the majority of what I have in there are vanity items. Things to improve my appearance, my smell, comfort and how feel. I despise things that stink. Body, breath, teeth and I know everyone does. I don’t want to be the stinky friend or the one with halitosis. I like clean teeth. The spare under arm deodorant I keep is in my car console so it doesn’t appear that I’m shoplifting in the event I get deep into the beast while at the store. LOL In the event that someplace I go is odiferous, I have the Jelly Belly room spray…..and I have been known to use it. Given that I don’t have “little kids” is why I haven’t got pacifiers and happy meal toys or handi-wipes in there. Believe me, when my boys were little, I had a multitude of items like that and a MUCH bigger handbag.

So, are these things representative of being a single, adult female or is it representative of my vanity? I don’t really even wear make up most of the time although I will NEVER leave home without my pink shiny lip gloss / lip balm. I’m addicted to lip gloss and at one point I had 20 tubes of it. I’m trying to cut back… Honorable mention which is not shown is a bottle of Holister So-Cal men’s cologne which I took out last night whilst digging for something else. I wear it. Although its common for young teen guys to wear, show me one 40 year old woman who wears it. Besides me. I don’t want to smell like somebody else and sometimes I’m not into the fru fru flowery smells. Although marketed to “dudes”, it smells more unisex to me. 🙂

So what’s in your handbag?