Family and Relationships

I haven’t written in a long time. Over a year I’m sure. Maybe more. Lots of changes have taken place. I moved. I got married ❤ and sadly, my Mama passed away. I thought at first I’d write about the love story of my husband and I but then chose not to. Some things are sacred and friends and family are already in the know. Then I thought I’d write about the experience of my Mama passing. I also changed my mind about that for the same reason. Some things are just to sacred to “Blog about it”. However what I do feel compelled to write about, is something I learned from my Mama. It was something she said a few months before she passed away. We were on the phone and talking about, I think my cousin, who is a teacher and young, busy mom of 3. She said “If YOU don’t cultivate relationships, then you won’t have any”. That’s pretty deep and I’ve spent a good amount of time pondering that statement.

My Mama and I didn’t always have a good relationship and I’m very thankful that over the last 5 years before she passed away, we repaired and made things right between us. I’d be stricken with so much guilt if we hadn’t. She made a lot of mistakes. She was genuinely sorry and remorseful. I forgave her and that was the end of it. I wanted my Mama. We are not all perfect. I have 2 sons, 18 and 21. I too have made mistakes and am going through the same thing with my older son and I thought at the time, “I hope to be forgiven some day”. I was in her shoes and know how she felt. I feel a connection to her in that we’re very much alike. We made mistakes. We made mistakes that our children bore the consequences of. We felt and feel genuine remorse and have a desire for forgiveness for our mistakes and want/wanted, a genuine, loving relationship with our children.

That statement she made seems fairly straightforward. I have really thought about the deeper meaning of it. I wondered, upon whose shoulders does the responsibility rest, for maintaining contact and relationships? Should it rest upon the shoulders of our younger generation? They’re busy. They’re busy either working on starting their lives or franky as in the case with my cousin, living their lives and being parents. Perhaps the responsibility should rest upon OUR shoulders. The parents, aunts, uncles, etc who have completed parenting and are free to relax and just live. It has also left me thinking about the latter of generations in families and how those rungs can become blurred with some having children at a later age in life. I have a cousin who is 50 and a mom of 2 young boys AND a 22 year old. She’s got feet on 2 rungs. I have a cousin who is 49 who never married and never had any kids. Yep, the rungs are blurred. That also leaves my nephew the only boy who can carry on our family name. If he doesn’t have kids, the family name will disappear with him. He’s the last one at this point in time.

For me personally, I’ve slipped into the next rung and am finally coming to terms with that fact. I don’t know if I’m doing it gracefully or not but I’m doing it. I’m in the older generation now. My kids and their friends and young cousins are all coming of age and seemingly “running the show” now or soon will be. I’m a house wife and I have time. For me, I’m going to take that lesson she learned and try hard to cultivate and maintain relationships with others in my family because, regardless of what rung they’re on, I know that they matter and that I want to have relationships with my family members, old and young. Who really cares who has learned that lesson as long as I have. Perhaps that’s something everyone needs to think about. Somebody needs to be in charge of maintaining familial relationships and contact while our younger generation are getting their lives started and in order. If nobody is, family grows apart and well, that’s just no good. So, in YOUR family, upon whose shoulders does that responsibilty rest?

❤ ❤

Sagittarius, myths and facts.

 

 I’m not sure why I want to write about Sagittarius. I think there are a handful of reasons, not the least of which is that I am one. I know several. My father is one, one of my sons was born on a cusp of Sag, I have a handful of friends that are Sag and I never met one that I didn’t like. Ever. That includes myself. I like me. Even people who I just really get along with that I didn’t know were Sag, there were times with them that I found out and realized “No wonder I like them so much!”

HONESTY: Sagittarians are wonderful people. We’re honest, some say to a fault because most other signs aren’t used to the level of candor and honestly you’ll receive from a Sag. While it is true that at times our honesty is more than you want, rest assured, we’re never honest with an intent to harm anyone’s feelings. That’s just not the cloth from which we’re cut. People’s feelings get hurt more often, but not always, when they’re fishing for compliments. We assume you ask for the truth because you want the truth. We also have egos that don’t bruise easily. That we can take the truth, unfettered by “prettying up”, it’s only natural for us to assume the same of others. We only learn from experience that that isn’t the case with most other people and learn to temper our honesty with more tact, just don’t expect us to lie to you. Giving another person real, candid honesty is the most respectful thing we can do and is something that many others will not. Learn to appreciate that. It’s a gift we give to you.

INTUITION: We’re an intuitive bunch. We can usually spot disingenuous behavior straight away and I personally am repelled by that as are most other Sags that I’ve met. We can certainly understand and even appreciate, others need for privacy so if you don’t want to share everything, that’s fine. However if we know you’re not being genuine or start telling us lies, we will be aware of it. A mature Sag can spot your true colors in pretty short order. This is usually why Sags are often surrounded by so many other quality people. We will not entertain relations with those we don’t trust.  We also have a keen sense of what underlies the behaviors of others. We can quickly assess what makes a person tick and that allows us to be a better friend.

DATING AND RELATING: Sagittarius people are, I’d say, one of the only signs that understands and fully grasps the concept of “As well as, not instead of”, when it comes to dating, friendships and others of the opposite gender. Many Sag people have been in relationships where jealousy reigns supreme even when our partner indicates they trust us. Jealousy is an indication to me at least, that you don’t trust me or my ability to withstand the advances of others and make no mistake, I won’t soon forget your lack of faith in me when I’ve given you my word. I find that incredibly insulting. Sure, we have lots of friends of both genders but it isn’t illicit. When we like somebody and make friends with a person of the opposite gender, it isn’t “instead of” our partner, it’s as well as and we won’t stick you in a closet and hide you while we’re out enjoying people and life. If we’ve promised to be faithful, rest assured, we will or we wouldn’t have said we would. Remember that honesty thing? If we have NOT promised to be faithful, we probably won’t be.  On that, many people mistake our genuine appreciation of others as flirting and say as much when they talk about Sag. This isn’t always true. While we do enjoy flirting, more often than not, we’re simply being honest, decent human beings and if we think you’re a beautiful person, we’re more likely to tell you about it. That doesn’t mean we want to have sex, it just means we’re being genuine and think you’re a beautiful person. That’s all. We still plan to go home to our partners who we also believe are beautiful or we wouldn’t be there. A Sag can’t fake it. A relationship may be short lived, but know this, we appreciated you while it lasted and will likely still be your good friend, unless you did something to warrent otherwise. Blessed be the man or woman who steals the heart of a Sag.

HONOR: We are a very honorable bunch, us Sagittarians. We truly believe in “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and it often baffles and hurts us when this doesn’t happen or when our genuinely good intentions are questioned. We are one of the few who truly can be taken at face value. I can’t speak for all others, but I personally believe that you get back out of life, that which you put into it. If you’re being dishonest and cruddy to people, being selfish and nasty, that’s what you can expect back. Hence our forthrightness in our dealings with others as well as our seeming streaks of good luck. We’re decent, humane and honest people and as such, that’s what we get back out of life. It’s a lot easier to find success when you truly know what your dealing with and you know what you’re dealing with because you yourself have been genuine and honest with people you interact with. It isn’t luck, it’s being a decent person. We reap what we sow.

LIFE OUTLOOK: We are a creative bunch and please don’t try to curb that creativity. Animals, nature, beauty in ALL things…. it’s what fuels our fire. We NEED a creative outlet. Some of us, like me, write. We enjoy capturing the beauty of what we see, feel and experience and want to share that with others via whatever medium we choose, be it photography, art, writing, painting, cooking, teaching, etc. Because we often feel what other’s feel and are impacted by that to some extent, we enjoy sharing our experiences because we want you to see and feel the greatness of experiences that we have had too. I have a personal motto “I just like to know stuff” and that’s true of most. I don’t care if it seems relevant or not. I do truly just like to learn things. Regardless of astrologers write ups about our personality, you can take this straight from the horses mouth, we just like to know things and continue to know more and more and more. Everything we know, learn and experience is relevant to us in some way. Plus, our interest is genuine so if we’re asking you questions about yourself… keep that in mind.

FREEDOM: I will say on this, we are a freedom loving group of people. It isn’t that we are non-committal to projects, people, relationships, etc. it’s that it needs to be our choice. I’ll use a scenario from when I was little. My Mother would tell me to please stay inside. As long as the door was open and I knew I was free to go, I was happy to comply and stay indoors. It was my choice to do so. As soon as the door was closed and locked behind me, it was no longer my choice and I’d find a way to get outdoors again. I will not be trapped. I’ll scramble out the window, or whatever. Not to get away from my mother but to retain my sense of freedom. The same is true in all other aspects of my life. It needs to be my choice. A Sag will NOT be controlled. People say we are non-committal to things but the reality is that we need it to be our choice. Respect me enough to allow me to CHOOSE rather than try to force me or trick me into something. If you trick me into something and I find out, it’s the worst offense you could commit against a Sag. Freedom is about choice, take that away and I’ll run the first chance I get, again, not to get away from you but to retain my freedom and my right to choose. If I run, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, it means I feel controlled and I won’t have it.

SEX: Ok here we go…. one of the many popular subjects when people seek out info on signs. A Sag is different from many others in this regard. As has been well established, we like to enjoy enjoying, we like to share, we are creative and this too can be an outlet. However, where other signs can just  hook up indiscriminately, you will not find that with a Sag. If we are not interested, we won’t go there… if we are and you’re willing… be ready for some fun. We are not inhibited, we like to experiment and like all else in life, it’s something to be enjoyed. Don’t be shy around a Sag in the bedroom. We don’t hold unrealistic expectations, ideas or anything else.  You must however be comfortable in your own skin, literally and figuratively. It doesn’t matter if you think you look funky in a certain position as long as you enjoy it! That’s all that matters! That and RESPECT…..Sag’s don’t kiss and tell.

OPTIMISM: Sag people can most definitely be hurt. We just aren’t likely to mope about, whining and moaning about it. We will quickly recover and get on with our life. Most of us have a very sunny disposition and are optimistic in the extreme. If for example, you tell me that you got mugged, I’ll of course be sympathetic and feel your pain right along with you. But I will always find a bright side and I might say “Well if we all have a 20% chance of being mugged once in our life and a 1% chance of being mugged twice, at least now you can get on with it knowing that it isn’t likely to happen again”. That isn’t me being insensitive, it’s the Sagittarian optimism and way of looking on the bright side.

VARIANCES: There are exceptions to every rule and no two people are exactly alike. There are however certain traits that are similar in all Sag’s.

Chocolate Mousse, Vegan (Yes it kicks ass!)

 

Who’d a thunk it, vegan chocolate mousse. I am now a believer. See, after I went through a BOATLOAD of stress and drama in my life, I ended up moving and am settling in for now. So far so good. My best friend Fred has been amazing and I’m really happy he and Sam were able to help as much as they have. Fred and I are now “Roomies” although he’s a bed hog. Although I knew that before. Anyway, throughout all the BS, needless to say, my dietary intake went to hell in a hand-basket. I hadn’t realized how strict my diet really was. I started eating meats, processed foods, dairy products now and then despite knowing better and essentially it made me really ill and sluggish. Immunity decreased, sickness set in, bloating, weight gain, water weight, fatigue, etc. After about a month of that, I couldn’t take it anymore. Historically I’m about 90 – 95% vegan, as a general rule. Once in awhile but not often, I’ll have some fish or chicken. It isn’t because I can’t eat living creatures or anything, I just don’t tolerate meats in my system well and am also lactose intolerant so I avoid dairy products like the plague animal fats just clog the ole’ arteries and raise cholesterol. Also I just do NOT like commercially prepared and processed foods. There is always something in it that doesn’t agree with me. Even canned veggies are loaded with sodium which I am also sensitive to. At any rate, after a month or so of eating the typical American diet and feeling like total poop, I’d had enough. Now it’s fresh raw vegetables, soy milk, etc and after only a few days, I’m feeling more back to normal.

Last night I read about a vegan chocolate mousse. Yeah right, I thought. Oookay… I liked the idea of the organic silken tofu. See tofu is really bland and absorbs the flavors of whatever it’s with. I thought it would be great for a sweet tooth and could make some nice desserts as well as could be used, with other things, to replace things like cream cheese, ricotta, sour cream, salad dressings, alfredo sauce, etc. So I went and bought some. OMG it’s wonderful! My Aunt Joyce (RIP) used to make the firm tofu fried up with some seasonings and give it to my sis and I as kids and we really didn’t like it. Of course, this was 30+ years ago and it’s improved dramatically since then or… I’ve learned more about it. At any rate, last night I made the vegan chocolate mousse. It’s awesome! It does NOT taste anything like tofu. Not in the slightest. If you’re like me and sensitive to prepared foods, sugars, salts, dairy, crap like that, you might want to give this a try. Low in fat, no egg, no dairy, no animal products, no commercial processing other than what they do the bakers bitter chocolate. It’s pretty damn good! Just be sure to read the labels on anything you buy to ensure it hasn’t got anything that might upset your system. There are a lot of products out there and even though some cost a bit more for the higher quality, they’re worth it.

1 pound silken tofu

8 oz bakers (bitter) chocolate (UN-sweetened in bar or chips) NOT semisweet or milk chocolate. Those both have added cocoa butter, milk, sugars, etc and add unnecessary fat, calories and animal products.

1/3 cup soy milk

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp almond extract (optional)

1/2 tsp salt product. I use NoSalt which is a sodium free salt replacement.

About a cup or so of Splenda. Taste as you go to see how sweet it is and stop when it’s sweet enough for you.

Melt chocolate in large double boiler. Large enough to contain all ingredients because that is eventually where it’s all going to go. The melted chocolate won’t be coming out of the pan until it is being poured into serving cups. When I did it, I didn’t read far enough ahead and used only a small pan just big enough to hold the melted 8 ounces of chocolate….. it was a real pain the scrape it all out and into the mixing bowl later. If you’re better at it than I am, it can be done in the microwave but eh… I was afraid I’d over nuke and burn it on the edges. I’ve seen it done on half power and by adding little bits of chocolate at a time as it’s nuked and stirring but…. anyway.

In a separate bowl or food processor or simple blender, empty the contents of a 1 pound (16 oz) package of silken tofu – drain the water our of the package first. It’s about the texture of a really soft custard. I use Nasoya organic brand. Then pour in the half cup of soy milk, tsp of vanilla, 1/2 tsp salt and if opted for, a tsp of almond extract. It’s supposed to make it a little bit Amaretto-ish. I did it with a shot of Amaretto and it wasn’t that great. I should have used almond extract. If you’re using a blender or food processor, blend it all until it’s smooth and creamy. I used a bowl so I used a regular hand mixer. A fork really won’t do because at the end, you will really need to beat it pretty good because I read that with a fork, the silken soy doesn’t smooth out as much and will still have tiny curds. Don’t add splenda yet.

Once its all beaten smooth, scrape the sides of the blender/processor/bowl with spoon and blend again just to make sure all lumps are out and all ingredients are thoroughly mixed in. Once the chocolate is melted and there are no more lumps, remove from the double boiler, set on a hot pad or other safe surface for something hot and pour contents of silken tofu, soy milk, etc into the chocolate and mix. This is if you have a hand mixer and bowl. Of course, if you are using a food processor, then you’ll need to scrape all the melted chocolate into the food processor or blender. Some recipes call for adding maple syrup to the chocolate but then it somehow turns into this taffy like material that I think would be hard to work with. I didn’t use the maple syrup because I don’t want added calories. Mix it all up really good until it’s all smooth and creamy. Now what you will have is an unsweetened, unset chocolate mousse. NOW you add your sweetener. I started adding the Splenda a small bit at a time and just kept on adding and mixing and tasting until I thought it was sweet enough. It was easily a cup or maybe a little bit more. I didn’t measure. Once it’s sweet enough, scrape the sides and pour into serving dishes. I poured mine into 4 large ones but it’s really thick and rich once it’s done and 6 would probably be better.Set in fridge at LEAST 2 hours. The chocolate will re-harden and it makes a wonderfully rich, sweet, chocolaty mouse.

You can add whatever topping you choose. Raspberries simmered in some splenda and water and thickened a bit, slivered almonds, or a cashew whipped topping which is another recipe to make and can be found here: http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=13007.0

Total time spent on it, about 20 minutes less the chilling overnight. I ate some this morning and it’s wonderful! I will be making it again 🙂 It’s rich, thick, chocolaty, sweet and filling and is low cal, low fat, low sodium, non dairy, no animal products 😉

St Patrick’s Day Grub

 

Well, I normally don’t do any big thing and we did the Shepherds Pie last night. Today however I am feeling pretty good. I tried banana bread with chocolate chips once and loved it. Then, whomever baked it for the little market I got it from changed it up and it was no good anymore. So, I decided to make my own. It’s bad ass. Of course I cut half a piece off…. below is a picture. It’s not that bad for ya either. The recipe, if anyone is interested in it is below the picture.

2 cups whole wheat flour, 2 cups splenda, 1 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp salt, 4 med sized  over-ripe bananas (lots of freckles), 1/2 cup orange juice, with or without pulp. It doesn’t matter. 1/3 cup olive or vegetable oil, 1 container banana cream pie yogurt (fat free), 3 eggs (from cholesterol free carton of eggs which is about a third of a cup, 1 cup chopped unsalted walnuts, maybe a little more if you like, half bag or so milk chocolate chips. Just mix in how many you want. Be careful because the oil from the chocolate will really gooey up the banana bread and make it really heavy.

Sift together all dry ingredients, flour, splenda, baking powder, baking soda, salt, walnuts and chocolate chips

In separate bowl combine 4 smashed up bananas, orange juice, egg, oil and yogurt. Mix well but no need to beat it up.

Pour banana mixture into the dry mixture and stir. It should be about the consistency of normal cake batter. Makes 2 regular loaves or 1 gigantic one. 🙂

I made one gigantic one. Oiled and floured the pan and baked at 350 for an hour and a half. 2 loaves would be about an hour or so baking time. Let it cool before you take it out of the loaf pan. Eat it warm with a large scoop of vanilla fat free frozen yogurt. That’s good stuff. 🙂 The only really naughty part is the chocolate chips. You might be able substitute with carob chips but I haven’t tried it. I have tried carob in other things and I personally don’t like it much. 🙂

 

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

Dini, you’ll be missed. We love you.

I find myself heartbroken at the unexpected loss of a dear friend. She was an amazing dog with a beautiful soul. A friend of mine found her and saved her when she, in terrible condition after having been abandoned on the street, walked up to my friend and he kept her, cleaned her up, got her healthy again and he loved her and she loved him.

I met her 2 years ago when I first met my friend Fred. She truly was an amazing friend. Always there to say hello, always happy to have a visitor, always cuddled with me when I needed it. She and I had a special relationship and we understood each other. We had a lot in common.

I’ve always felt a special connection with animals. Dogs have a surprising array of emotions and an absolutely endless capacity to love. They aren’t toys for the kids, they aren’t things to own like a possession, they are living, breathing, sentient beings and members of the family. Her untimely death leaves me feeling the immense pain of having lost a best friend. Fred, well I can only imagine his suffering. No matter what happened, Dini was always there for him. In sickness and health, through loneliness, heartbreak, broken relationships, you name it. He has seen more than his fair share of hardship and she was always there to give love and companionship just as he did her when she was down and out, abandoned, hungry, sick, tired and alone.

We didn’t know she was ill. She collapsed yesterday and was rushed to the veterinary emergency hospital where she took a turn for the worse during the night and could not be saved. She passed peacefully this morning with Fred there to give her comfort as she went and to say their good bye’s. I wish I’d been able to say good bye. I did see her last week and she seemed fine. She laid by me in the morning as per usual while I drank coffee and Fred was still asleep. I’m happy we had that last morning time together. I didn’t know it would be our last.  One thing I take heart in, that last time I saw her, it had been nearly 6 weeks since we had morning time because of a falling out I had with Fred. I could tell she missed me and she could tell I missed her too and we did get in some extra loves to make up for lost time. Fred can take heart in that she always knew how much he loved her and he never let her forget it. She indeed had a wonderful life.

RIP Dini. We don’t know when you were born or how old you really were or what made you ill and we’re sorry about that. You will most assuredly be missed by all the people who’s lives you touched. Thank you for sharing the early mornings with me and for all the loves and cuddles you always gave me.

The most beautiful of Dogs, Dini.

 UPDATE 2/7/2010, beautiful Dini, RIP. She didn’t make it and she died this morning.

Dini, you sweet, adorable nanny pooch. I love you so much. Even when Fred and I didn’t get along, I always loved coming over because I got to see you. When I drank to much, you laid on top of me so I couldn’t walk around and get hurt with my bad vision, not last Christmas but the Christmas before.

You, you beautiful pooch, lay injured and ill in the veterinary emergency room tonight and I cry hoping you are okay. Fred and Sam cry too. I’ve talked with them tonight. You are loved beyond belief. I wish I could lay by your side and be there for you the way you were there for me. Especially when I felt hurt. Fred doesn’t know this but many times I came over, it was more to see you than him.

Now you’re hurt and I can’t be there because I don’t know where you are and the vet’s office is closed. At least he told me what happened to you. He knows deep down I love you as much as he does. You, my beautiful pooch, I adore and love you. You always made me welcome every time I came over. You always greeted me with kisses and loves and I always gave you a treat. It was my arrival routine.

You are the most beautiful golden retriever I’ve ever known. Your golden hair flowing in the wind when I took you out by the lake to potty in the early morning hours while Fred was asleep. We had our morning time and I love you for it, Dini. You made so many mornings happy for me. Just by being there and licking my hand, laying on the sofa with me and cuddling while I drank coffee and sat in his living room while he was sleeping because it was to early for him to be up. Dini, you beautiful pooch, I love you and I hope you are ok and make it through the night.

Your loving friend, Deena.

I’d be lost without you

Dear Internet, I just wanted to take a moment this valentines day to share with you how much you’ve meant to me all these years, and of course to tell you via my loving and best friend here named Blog. I met you 16 years ago and you’ve changed a lot over the years, most often for the better.

Internet, you are the very reason that I have met many of the people I now hold in very high regard, call my friends and listen to for hours on end, often also by virtue of my loving friend Blog. I have to say though it is YOU who is also responsible for my having even met Blog in the first place. Please don’t be jealous I wrote to Blog first. You my dear internet were at the beginning of it all.

You are the reason I met my best friend in real life too. You’ve ushered into my life many wonderful things and people. Good food, family and friends that I’d lost track of and many more of my unseen but always felt neighbors. Many times you’re the door upon which I knock when I want to visit.

You’ve been there in it with me at the depths of my research, facilitating it all. You’ve been my introduction to geographical places that in real life, I’ll never have the luxury of actually visiting. If I’m bored, you also take that into account and show me all things applicable to cure it such as icanhascheezeburger.com . You supply me with myriad experiences for which I put my literary skills to use.

Internet, I can honestly say I love you and would be lost without you.

Love, Deena.

Momalom Love Letter

A love letter inspired by Momalom’s challenge found here:

 

Dear Blog,

I am so grateful I found you! No matter what is going on in my world, there you are to hear me out when I need to tell you everything. There you are to show me I’m not alone and that there are many other’s just like me. Blog, you’ve helped me realize I’m normal. You’ve given me hope and you’ve given me something to look forward to when I get home and yet you never expect anything from me. If I’m overly busy for a week or so, you’ll still be there when my world calms down and I can come see you again and tell you about my days and things I’ve learned. You’ve always been a safe refuge. Anytime I’m lonely, frustrated, flustered or just plain upset, there you are to hear me out, listen to my every word and never judge me. No matter what, you’re always there for me!

Anytime I wonder "who am I?", there you are to reflect back to me all that I am through everything I’ve shared with you. You’ve helped me so much and never once have expected anything in return. No matter where I work, if I work, how much I have, where I live be it near or far or what I’ve done, there you are, always true and always available anytime I need, day or night. There is never a time when you’re to busy to listen. There is never a time that you’ll choose to keep company with somebody else instead of me. There is never a time that I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or rich enough. You accept me for better and for worse.

You’re a great companion and never mess up my house, eat all my food, drink all my wine, spend all my money or use all the hot water. You never complain about my leftovers being in the fridge for to long or that my meatloaf is bland and my drinks are to weak. It doesn’t matter to you if I have a messy house or don’t feel like doing laundry. I can be comfy around you, in my pajamas if I want and with uncombed hair.

Blog, you accept me for who I am, what I do and have been more to me than most real life companions. It’s a sad day in our world when human companionship can’t hold a candle to a blog but alas, here we are and it is in fact that day in my life. My dear blog, this is why I love you.

Love, Deena

80s to now, cont.

I just could not let this subject go for some reason. I am still fascinated at the difference 20 some odd years makes with regard to a music genre as well as a fashion style and lifestyle AND the things that will never change that are present in both. I woke up still thinking about it with blurbs running through my head so that’s what this one is. An “add on” to yesterdays blog about 80s punkers compared to today’s scene kids. I don’t like the word “scenesters” even though that’s what urban dictionary called them. I’m going do call them scene kids/guys/gals. It’s easier to say. I’m defying the diction.. does that make me a rebel? No……

Ok, I perused through www.punkstory.com and was absolutely flashed back to the 80’s. It made me remember what it felt like to be hanging out at shows, being downtown and walking around late at night. We weren’t afraid of SHIT! We did what we wanted, when we wanted. Even though I wasn’t a “real” punker, I still enjoyed the freedom and the lacking shackles that life even now has and I’m learning to shed those too, at nearly 40. On that I do want to say that even though I wasn’t a “real” punker, I was “real” to myself. I was 14 or 15 at that time and I went through a lot of phases as I’m sure many others did, including some of today’s scene kids do as well. Today’s scene kids are in no way representative of what hardcore people were like in the 80s. Not by a long shot. I was a rocker chick as well as even a cheerleader once in my younger years. Believe me, I sampled all the various lifestyles a teen girl has to choose from and ultimately chose what worked best for me. I’m not sure how I’d be defined by the people I’m now talking about. Maybe they’d say I was just a “fake ass bitch who doesn’t understand shit” or maybe they’d look back through my eyes and laugh at how it was all perceived by a non-real, hardcore young girl who is now approaching 40.  Who really knows. Maybe they’d say the same thing I do now. Kids are entitled to sample lifestyles. It’s part of growing up and figuring out where they fit in, in life. It’s just another experience for them, but in the end, a person will ultimately do what feels best, whatever style they happen to be.

Side by side, smaller details

Music. I haven’t sampled all there is to be sampled of course but it would appear that today’s scene music is wide and varied as it was in the 80s. Some scene kids appear to listen to what has been dubbed “screamo”. Some scene bands are not like that all and are more mainstream, stuff that gets played on the radio. In the 80s bands like the punk/hardcore standard, Black Flag never ended up on a top 40 radio station being listened to by teens and tweens finishing their homework and housewives making dinner for the family.

Home life. In the 80’s, it was tough. Those kids I was hanging out with, most didn’t live in middle and upper class homes with a nice bed and down comforter to cozy into at night, with teddy bears and laptops. Many scene kids seem spoiled and poser-ish in contrast. They have myspace pages, iPhones and laptops. Many spend more time focusing on documenting their fashion accomplishments, than actually living the life. Most times, there was no Mom and Dad buying expensive make up damnit, we stole our cheap shit from the k-mart or the mall! 😉

Make up. Lots of things different there but also a lot the same. Both guys and gals often wore make up. For gals the make up really hasn’t changed much. Just the quality of the lipstick and liner. For guys, scene guys are pretty and seem to border on metrosexual (I hate that word). They’re soft and pretty unlike in the 80’s where the guys were tough, bad ass and didn’t care what anyone thought. In the 80s, guy make up was more akin to sunscreen on a football player – a thick black line under the eye as opposed to nowadays where scene guys’ eyes look like women’s. They wear foundation and lipstick. They even often wear similar cloths to the scene gals.

Clothing. Scene kids incorporate a lot of cutesy in both guys and gals. Pink skulls and crossbones, anime, lots of black and some bright colors as well. It would still be considered by today’s standards to be different. Likewise in the 80s. That’s one thing that is the same. However, in the 80s, as I said yesterday, there was nothing cutesy about their fashion sense. Make up was sloppy, often intentionally to show we didn’t give a shit, clothing were torn and ripped and there was often a lot of metal. Spikes and things attached to leather items. Where scene kids use cutesy and bright colors an 80s punker would use something that could do you serious bodily harm which included the often rigid to almost super glue strength spikes of their mohawks. Even their hair could put an eye out in the mosh pit!

Hair. There are just so many different hair styles to think about. What’s the same is that it’s different and attention getting both then and now. Then and now many of each generation spent a LOT of time on their hair. Although in the 80s it was done when needed for shows and whatnot and not always every day. Scene kids, well it’s an every day thing since there are cameras everywhere and they would not be caught dead without it. Plus with their obsession over documenting themselves… everywhere is a photo op. They bring new meaning to the word “Poser”. Today’s scene gals would probably not even dare to enter a mosh pit for fear of mussing the hair they just spent 3 hours doing. The 80s punker gals, the hair wasn’t as important and they would go, be one to be reckoned with in the pit, hair and all.

Slamming, moshing, etc. It really has not changed at all. It’s pretty much exactly the same as near as I can tell. The only difference is that girls in the 80s did it and scene girls rarely if ever do. Also the name and really I think the term moshing pretty much took over in the 90s. I could be wrong on that. I suppose it depends on your crowd and what seems popular. I have not heard the term “slam dancing” probably since the 80s. My son who is not a scene kid laughed when I said “slam dance”. He laughed loud and hard. He does know what “moshing” is. Both today and in the 80’s mosh pits can get out of control and result in occasional fighting and injury. If a scene gal happened to be there when I fight broke out, she’s probably run where an 80s hardcore girl would stick it out to the end and get in as many hits as she could, take a beatin’ and walk away without regret.

Fighting and violence. For the gals, an 80s punker would no doubt, break your nose, draw blood and kick your ass for an offense deemed worthy. They’re pretty thick skinned as well. Same thing with the 80s guys. A scene kid of today, well, she might throw a rock, kick you in the shin or pull your hair but only “if u like totally stole her sexxy, xhardXcorex boyXfriend” or something. The guys, I’m going side with the 80s guys here. Todays scene guys….. I just dont see them being tough or any derivative of although I’m sure exceptions exist somewhere. Both guys and gals, they aren’t fighters, they might smear their lipstick or muss up their hair. Plus many of them are to skinny to be strong enough to even pick up that rock to throw in the first place. Sorry for the ‘dis scene kids. I’ve seen you and trust me, many of you need to eat a sandwich. Which brings me to:

Diet. Of course I can’t state this as fact without anyone’s medical records but… In the 80’s we had punkers of all shapes and sizes but today’s scene kids, well most are super skinny and many are said to have eating disorders in both the guys and gals. Of course this is “Said to be true mostly on the internet” with no real proof of that. However I can see with my own eyes many of them are underweight whether they have an eating disorder or not. In the 80s if a punker was skinny it was likely due to simply not having enough food to eat rather than self imposed starvation. Scene kids of today just choose to not eat. I read somewhere and I can’t quote this as fact so it goes in here merely as rumor, but that about 75% of males with eating disorders are emo or scene guys although my personal opinion is that 75% is a pretty high number. That is NOT saying 75% of scene guys/emo’s have eating disorders. It’s saying that, by rumor, 75% of ALL, including non scene guys with eating disorders are scene or emo. Given the number of males with eating disorders is purported to be very low, it’s really not all that much of a dis on you scene guys that are actually out there.

Language skills and education. On this I have to side with the scene kids for now although as the 80’s people went, it all came with age and maturity. The majority of scene kids appear to come from middle and upper class families and those types of households typically have reasonably decent parents. In the 80’s the kids I hung out with, this wasn’t the case more often than not. Many of the 80s kids that I spent time with were high school drop outs, run aways from bad home life situations, didn’t have jobs, some had drug problems, etc. Today’s scene kids, many of them go home at night, eat dinner, get up and go to school. They are getting an education beyond what many 80s punks got. Of course there are exceptions to everything which is why I say “many” and “most” and not all.

Emotionally. Well in the 80s the overall emotional feel, at least when I was around it all, I’d say would be angry. Angry youth, angry teens both male and female. For today’s scene gals, they just seem to have, as reported by the internet and my own observations of the comments they make, uppety attitudes and that they think they’re somehow better. I have no idea what they really think but they’re brats in appearance. Maybe I’ll try to find one to interview. The scene guys seem to be closely associated with “emo” and are generally thought of as sad rather than angry. Again, softer…

The later years. I can’t speak for scene kids as they’ve yet to grow up and become of 40 somethings. As for the 80s kids I spent some time with, well I found some of them through online social networking. We didn’t have it in the 80s but it’s here now and we’re using it although not nearly to the level of scene kids. As 80s punks grew up, some outgrew it and some morphed into their own unique styles but yet still original and true to the way they were in the 80s. They are not aging scenesters nor are they throwbacks from the 80s, much to the contrary. They are still who they were, although evolved through time, maturity and experience.

Id like to feature a few people. Angela and Rebecca Maynard and Tommy Niemeyer. The real deal, then AND now. I knew the ladies from school and briefly was involved with Tommy in my early teens. They still live life according to their own terms and live lives that many people either envy or think is different. As for those who envy, they often also become haters. I think, Good for them! Live your lives and enjoy the hell out of it. You only live once. You can either live it happy on your own terms or unhappy on everyone else’s. I’m happy to see they chose to live life happy! That’s something that should be appreciated because many people are just to afraid to do so.

(Note for featured) The idea is to show that people who have, what people like me, often consider alternative lifestyles, are not living lives according to the stereotypical impressions most of us have. Many people my age and who live my lifestyle would think derogatory things about drugs, alcohol, stuff like that. Clearly that isn’t true. That is the light I would like to shed on it all.

Here they are:

Angela now at age 40:   Now Angela I do not know if she’s married or not but appears to have stayed with her high school-ish sweetheart. Is involved in Roller Derby and is one resilient individual who does her part in life just as much as you or I. She works, pays her taxes, loves her family, so on. She also stayed true to who she was/is at heart and that is to be admired.

Rebecca now at age 40:    From her myspace page she appears to have gotten married, participates in Roller Derby and not unlike her twin sister above, loves her family, works and also like the rest of us does her part, pays her taxes and is a contributing member of society who also stayed true to herself.

Tommy now at age 40-ish: What to say about Tommy. I read an interview he did and really have to admire his dedication. He too works a day job, pays his taxes, is a contributing member of society while also maintaining his integrity as a hardcore individual and musician and stayed true to himself as well.

To all of them above, Good for you! From Ms. Middle class, suburban mom, I applaud you! It wasn’t for me but was a lot of fun and an experience I’ll never forget.

On to the “scenesters”. Maybe they’re just newer and yet different versions of the unique and different individuals of the future. I’m sure like in the 80’s there are some for whom it was just a passing phase or fad and yet others who may be so deeply into it that it’s truly a reflection of who they are at heart. Who the hell am I to judge?

This scene girl at age, maybe 13:   Well, time will tell. Maybe we’ll be able to check back in 20+ years and see what she’s up to. Although I have to give proper credit where it’s due, it takes a lot of dedication to maintain hair like that. I wonder how much money her parents spent on that hair-do, how many hours she spends doing it and how many myspace photos she has posted of it? It is interesting to look at none-the-less. 🙂 I’m sure she hasn’t got any addictions or a criminal record of any kind although that’s purely supposition.

To give the scene guys due time, there’s this guy here probably age 16 or so: God only knows what he’ll be doing in 20 years. There is nothing even remotely tough or hardcore, at least the way I remember it, with a furry collar, checkered head band and robots on the to tight t-shirt. Interesting look though. I just dont see this as any subculture of the future.

And last but not least, here is the oddball. I’d guess 18 or 19 years old. I stumbled upon this completely by accident. See, from the research I’ve done, people of african-american descent do NOT participate in “scene” stuff but yet here he is, defying them all with his scene hair, myspace pose in a photo op from who knows where. I bet he has hundreds on his myspace page. Well, good for him for doing what he’s told he ought not to and defying the norms of the “scene” peeps as well as others of his own.

At the end of the day, regardless of my personal views, what’s most important is that you live your life according to YOUR rules. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, I say the hell with it. Go for it and be happy! Whatever that may be!  Even though I think after a good long look at the 80s hardcore people compared to today’s scene/emo people and my resulting opinions, everyone, regardless of what year they’re doing it in and what genre they listen to and whatever their lifestyle choices, as long as nobody is harmed, to each his own and those who dare to be different and express themselves, should be admired. Those who just follow along in order to be accepted (sort of like I did) then they need a good long and perhaps hard learned lesson in what it means to be true to yourself. I’ve only in recent times discovered that. 🙂

80’s “Punkers” vs today’s “Scenesters”

Boy oh boy did I have a LOT going on in my nut all at once. It’s all sorted now and all is well on all fronts. 🙂 I’ll be relocating since I rent and my landlord told me they pretty much went broke and have asked me to move out because they now have to live here….. nice. I don’t plan to write about any of it with the exception of my friend. We’re all good now, albeit in a different way. 🙂 Friendship saved!

What brought me out of hiding today was that I was noticing an advertisement online for IMVU. Its a chat program with avatars that are, well, scenesters/emo’s. It put me onto www.urbandictionary.com to read a bit more about these “scenesters”.

It’s not such a foreign thing after all… turns out, I was an 80’s version of a scenester (Not Emo) in my teens for a short period of time when I was about 14 – 15. I even had a mohawk, not a wimpy fauxhawk of today mind you. I shaved off all my hair on the sides and dated a guitar player named Tommy in a punk rock band called The Accused for almost a year. I wasn’t a groupie damnit, I was a girlfriend! There’s a difference! LOL Although 25 years ago… it wasn’t called “Scene”. It was more punk and there were of course some differences that 25 years can account for. My phase lasted all of maybe a year or 2 before I grew out of it. My hair, well, it grew out too! 🙂 The only reason I did it was because of Tommy. I never felt any need to be nonconformist or to rebel against “The man” or anything. I just liked a guy and did what he did. Here is where you can sample some of the noise they created back in the 80’s that we called hardcore punk. http://splatterrock.com/ There’s a play button at the bottom…  Here is a sample of what is being listened to today which has apparently been dubbed Screamo

I should say, I have not seen Tommy in probably 20 some odd years. I have no idea what he’s doing today but it appears he’s still in the hard core music industry at least as of 2006.

The differences, Then and Now

80s Car Phone.     Today’s cellular/computer

Technology.  In the 80’s we didn’t we didn’t even have cell phones yet because at that time only the really wealthy had them and they were the size of a cinder block and weren’t practical to carry around so they were called “car phones”. Today’s scenesters are apparently bordering on obsessive about taking pictures of themselves in weird poses. Hundreds of pictures and loading them onto Myspace. We didn’t have Myspace accounts or even internet. There was an internet service called “Prodigy” at the time and that was NOT something ordinary. Home computers? Almost nobody had them. The cameras current day scenesters use which is likely their iphones their parents bought them which is why I mentioned cell phones in the first place. We didn’t have squat but today’s phones with mini computers have it all in one small, pocket size item. Because we didn’t have them, we weren’t always able to capture ourselves in all our wondrous glory while at punk and other hard core shows, or scenes as they’re called today.

Slam dance VS Mosh. No different today than 25 yrs ago.

Slam Dance. Only the name has changed. There was always what we called a mosh pit. That’s where we’d all slam dance. That’s what we called it. Slam dancing. Where you basically slam into people and they slam into you. There was no dancing of any kind… I think it’s now called moshing since it’s done in said mosh pit. Many times there were injuries. We didn’t care. Well, I did but I wasn’t “Real”. I was just following along with Tommy. He was my first real love. I once saw a guy do a stage dive into the crowd and everyone moved and he hit the concrete floor. He was a jerk that nobody liked and hence, nobody caught him. He was seriously injured.

Tommy in the 80s. Some other guy today.

80’s mohawk style.

Hair. The blond in the top right pic above, yeah, that’s Tommy back in the 80’s and those would be his dreads there on his head. The pic appears to be copywrited but to who I cannot tell… this was when he was in The Accused and lived in the Splatter Pad. I’ll explain the splatter pad in a bit.  80’s hair was a lot different as we all know. Of course as I said, I had a real mohawk. No pics though because we lacked the technology or at least possession of it. LOL I rarely wore it spiked up because it was to long. We cut it on a dare at a drunken party and everyone freaked because my hair was always something everyone liked. A guy named Chuck did the honors. Tommy, pictured above, hadn’t combed or brushed his hair in years – as you can see. He had blonde dreads. Not hair. Dreads. Dread locks. Like Bob Marley dreads but blonde. Dreads are what you get when you don’t comb your hair. It gets matted, just like a cat or dogs when it isn’t combed. He isn’t a natural blonde either and he bleached it, dreads and all. One time, Tommy and I cut one of his dreads off and cut it open to see what was inside of it. Quite nasty really is the inside of a dreadlock.  Today’s “scenesters” seem to treat their hair much better albeit damaged to high hell from all the bleaching and dye jobs. They comb theirs even if they cut it all screwey! 

Splatter Pad look alike. Today’s hang outs, who knows.

The Scene. The original Splatter Pad of The Accused was condemned and leveled years ago so there are no pics. I did find this pic online of a similar house. Behind the walls of all that beauty lay drunken passed out people, total disarray, trash, you name it. It was all in there and it smelled vile. The Splatter Pad was brown though. It’s where 2 of the band lived with a couple others. Plus of course, whoever passed out there which on occasion was me. I think there were 4 people actually living there. The trash was rarely taken out and I remember once there were like 6 large hefty bags of garbage just laying on the kitchen floor spilling out and there were flies, drunken passed out bodies laying all over where people had partied and just crashed where they fell. The walls were covered in graffiti and posters. Old food, beer cans, booze bottles and cigarette butts everywhere and furniture that likely had been in a dumpster at some point. There was crud all over it along with rips, tears, burns and spills. There was also a lot of drug use going on.  Today’s version I seriously doubt would live in a house like that. They might party in one but we’re a lot more sophisticated today than we were in the 80s and MUCH cleaner because parents pay for it.

This is the sort of garb and hair we wore in the 80s. EDIT: Updated photo to link back to the website of where the pic came from by request of site owner. 🙂 Thanks again Punkstory for letting me use the image!

This is what they look like now.

Fashion/Hair. I’m sure the pic I found online is copywrited too. Probably to the folks named on the top. The other’s, they appear to be in the free public domain. Fashion wise, the differences were just that we wore things that were attention getting and at times intentionally offensive. Today’s scenesters seem to have a handful of essentials that they ALL have. White leather belt, pink skulls and crossbones, tight pants, same choppy haircuts with one eye covered, stuff like that. It’s hard sometimes to tell one from another. We didn’t think so at the time but it was pretty much the same with us, although I guess it all really depends on the who is looking. I’m sure scenesters dont think they look alike either. In the 80s guys and gals both wore make up, especially eye liner. 80’s guys didn’t wear foundation and lipstick though. Just a large strip of black eye liner. Both guys and gals in the 80’s wore a lot of leather, metal studs and spikes, ripped and torn clothing and combat boots with or without heals. I was hip on the ultra short leather miniskirt that nowadays is called a micro-mini. Of course they weren’t made that short then so I cut mine with scissors. There was NOTHING cutesy about an 80’s punk however as you can see pictured above, she has all sorts of cutesy / anime going on.

What do they do when they grow up? Some of my old friends are doing the same as they always did. Tommy as near as I can tell is still involved in the hard core music industry as many others of them are as well although the last time I saw Tommy, I think I was about 17 or so. Many I lost track of. Some died of overdose. One is involved heavily in roller derby with funky names and she still dresses the same. I saw her myspace page not long ago. Happily in her 40’s and happily living her life according to HER rules. Me, well, I was just following Tommy and doing what he did. I grew up, had kids, became a mom, got a job and live a normal, middle class life in a normal middle class suburb. 🙂 When today’s “Scenesters” grow up, I imagine their futures to be equally as varied. 🙂